当我已不在

What is the best way of suicide?
Drowning? Too bad I can swim.
Downing pills? Too girly. YUCKS.
Suffocating myself? With a pillow? Think will end up sleeping again.
Jumping off a cliff? Singapore where got cliff? Jump off the one at Xiao Gui Lin I think also won't die lor.
Hmm.. let's see, what else is there?
Come on, Hanxiang, think harder!

Oh well, I may not be that suicidal afterall. I can't think of anything else. I give up.

Pai mia. Can't believe I'm having difficulty doing something as easy as dying.

I'm racing with time to complete my Final-sighs-Year-weeps&chokes-Project. I'm starting to build my own tablet and coffin made of pure gold, studded with diamonds and precious stones of all colours as I look through pieces and pieces of journals to support my Final-moans-Year-spasms-Pro-faints-ject.

I'm opting for cremation because 本小姐 here lack funds to purchase property for land burial. Friends and relatives, please be there. I'm telling you now 'cause I'll not be putting up my death notice in the orbituary. Same reason: No more money left after investing it all on making my tablet and coffin.

I'm trying to be the perfect daughter and friend now so that my family and friends will buy me a big paper house, paper car and sio zuei zuei gim zua (burn lots of hell money) for me after I depart. Really have zero idea what it's like down there. JUST IN CASE I have to pay property tax and road tax for my house and car and buy COE and stuff like this, I'll have spare cash with me.

Of course, you'll be causing more pollution by burning hell money for me, but
BO WA EH DAI JI! I don't care about Earth already. I'm in Hell. Heeeheee!
Erm, oops. What I meant was.. aren't you willing to do it for meeeee? It's meeeee leh, the one who died young due to, erm, overwork? *acts 可怜*

And I promise I won't haunt you in your dreams if you
do as I COMMAND!
Nono, I meant.. I will let you sleep soundly nightly if you're kind enough as to take care of my afterlife affairs properly.

Then hor, for the offerings on the table at my funeral, I don't mind anything as long as it's spicy and please please please don't give me messy food like chicken wings or noodles that I'll have to slurp into my mouth because I'm afraid I'll not be carrying tissue with me when I die. Not very respectful to face King of Hades looking like a cat which just drank milk. Like I said, first impression matters.

As for the band, I would very much appreciate it if it's not the conventional type consisting of ah peks and aunties. If possible, get something that's more hip and happening. I'll be satisfied already if you hire Mayday or F.I.R. Should be quite enough. I'm not demanding. Ask them to play louder lah. Then my hell friends can party together mah. Don't be selfish. When there's good stuff, share.

Then for the chanting part, Eminem will be fine. But please, before he performs the rites, do remind him again and again to not insert his vulgarities inside the chants 'cause I don't like vulgarities. I know he's used to it, but in any case, King of Hades is higher than him in rank.
Does he enjoy an eternal life? NO!
Does he control any realm like the King of Hades does? NO! Ok maybe, the music industry.
Does he have supernatural powers? NO!
Does he hold the Life and Death book? NO!

Please tell him that if he tries to be funny, the King of Hades can just liquid-paper away his D-day and change it to the day after my D-day and he'll find himself frantically trying to hire Usher or Akon or whoever raps to do HIS ritual.

I tell you, this kind of life and death matters, REALLY DON'T PLAY PLAY.

Ok, think I've said enough. I'm not overexpecting right?

NO LAH! Of course not!

Come on, everyone wants the perfect wedding, 'cause everyone marries only once in a lifetime.
The thing is, nowadays, people don't get married only once.
BUT, they still want the perfect wedding.

I'm going to die only once leh.
This one confirm once, unless you can recognise me after I reincarnate.
SO! It's definitely not too much to want a perfect funeral.

Oh ya! I'll be offering two choices, incense and fire sparklers (烟花?) so you all can choose which one you want. The colours available will be like, red, blue and yellow? Those of you who prefer light sticks please buy yourselves.

Thanks!

当我已不在............ 你们要自己照顾自己.






































男孩子,不要还没结婚就搞大人家的肚子.


















































女孩子,不要还没结婚就让人家搞大你的肚子.


Yours,
Fully-prepared-to-die Hanxiang
"未婚先孕是没有幸福的.永远爱你们!"