Sorry

Haven't been very constructive lately, just rushing reports, playing lousy vball and thinking about some matter. Why does 'Sorry' seem to be the hardest word? Maybe unconsciously I know, but now I really know. The other day, my father was nagging at me for something I didn't really do. If you're talking about the younger Hanxiang, the expected reaction will be to talk back because I have every right and reason to do so. You know what being young is, right? I didn't do it! I DON'T CARE, I must make him understand who's really at fault here! But if you're talking about being the daughter that I should be NOW, I should have kept quiet and just listened, even if my Pa was being unreasonable. Firstly, because, no matter what kind of tone I use to reason with him, he would assume that I'm being rebellious. Secondly, as I get older, somehow I feel more responsible for making my parents happy; if I can't do this, at least I should avoid upsetting them. BUT. If you know Hanxiang, you will know I'm not really the "Pose first. Cui later." kind of person that Ying Ying prides herself on. Mostly, I'm just "Cui first. Make amends later, IF POSSIBLE." So, when my Pa just started nagging at me, he already tio attitude by me. I don't know why I always act before I think. Maybe I'm really slow huh? Anyway, right after that, like most storylines on TV, I slammed the bathroom door. And I started to think about how my Ma always tells me about how my Pa played with me when I was young, made so much effort to celebrate my first-month-old involving his Japanese superiors (he was a contractor then) at the party, brought us around the globe during every school holiday, upgrading our home every now and then.. basically, he was always trying his best to give us the best life. Of course, there were the many many photos taken when we were young to serve as evidence. I also thought about how my Aunties (father's sisters) always commented that I'm super naughty, because my father loves me the most, but I'm also the one who bullies him the most. All these thoughts made me want to apologize to him when I walked out of the bathroom and saw him troubled over some problem that has to do with his business. But of course, I didn't really apologize. I just told him that I'll help him go outside to throw rubbish. This is CUI-ness to THE MAX, I tell you. But this is behavior that is consistently repeated by me. Apologies are always most needed when we do something really really wrong, but it's precisely these kind of times when we find it especially hard to say sorry. When we make mistakes accidentally, like failing to spike over the net or stepping on someone, the 'Sorry' comes so naturally. Because we didn't do it on purpose and we know the person will not mind. When we really let someone down, the appropriate response will be to apologize, but we hardly ever do it properly. I was thinking of the reason by looking at myself and I realized it's because I'm always afraid to apologize. Zhenqin thinks that saying sorry will put herself in a lower position, because she will be admitting she was wrong. I think it's because I'm afraid the person whom I did wrong to will not forgive me, because the harm done was too great. Ok, sometimes it's about pride, but the most part of it is about forgiveness. If the person is unwilling to forgive, saying sorry will just make me more miserable. My teacher in Primary School once told me a story about a father and his son. The son did something wrong once and went abroad for his studies before he got a chance to say sorry. All the while, he was full of regret and when he returned from his studies, he decided to be brave and said sorry. His father's response was super jing bao (sorry, use of words might be a little anti-climax here). He told his son he forgot what he did and therefore, how can he make himself forgive when there wasn't a grudge? His son felt worse after that.