Hate school!
By hating school, I mean I hate the life, not the school itself.
I love NTU, the greenery, the unfamiliar faces, the rooms; the environment generally. I'll miss it when I graduate. Yes, still can't believe 2.5 years have passed just like that. Ya know, *snaps fingers*.
Wah, damn drama. Forgive me.
Anyway, everything needs a reason. Well, hating school too.
I think it's really because I hate myself, to start with.
Why can't I ever mix and mingle with people? You know, the casual chitchats, the smiles, the hi-byes, the natural hey-can-I-borrow-your-notes-to-copy?s.
Why do I always have to feel guilty even before I try doing such things? Why do I always have to assume that people will assume that I'm doing them with intentions?
Actually, if I ever do it, it will never be because I have intentions. Guess I'm just too tired and jaded to make new friends now.
Hate projects. Imagine being absent from the first seminar of the semester and arriving at the second one to find that you're the only one who hasn't found a group. I don't belong to any particular clique in my course, or have any good friends here for that matter. Other courses, yes. But here, no. Being a loner is a gradual tendency. When you're alone, you tend to want to be more alone. Guess it's partly a choice too. Always a huge of supporter of Aloneliness.
Asked two groups if they're willing to take me in. Waited for them to consider, up till the time when class resumed and Prof asked if I've found a group yet.
I glanced left and right, at Group A and then B. No response. Really didn't want to give them the pressure of having to take me in, so I told Prof I will settle it later. Prof even had to introduce me to the class and ask if anybody is willing to EMBRACE me.
Imagine having to ask the group 3 times whether they mind me joining their group.
GOSH, I wish I didn't have to feel so unwanted.
Then again, it's my fault. I forgot to attend the first seminar. See why I hate school because I hate myself?
Maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe the members in the group really didn't know I asked if I may join them before I asked the final time. Anyway we started doing group work together.
Really grateful to people like Crystal and some other guy in the group who bothered to say nice things to me to ease things out, to make me feel less bothered. I told myself to make sure I contribute to our work. They are nice people. They are really nice.
But the thoughts stop there. It's like taking a snapshot of the scenario of their smiley faces and their nice-ness and leaving the place with everything in the seminar room at a standstill.
I note their efforts to make me feel alright, I thank them silently, I tell myself I must make myself useful.. but everything just stops there. I simply lack the courage and energy to get to know them any deeper.
Fateless.
I walk off, and find myself typing alone in a place I know nobody.
I love NTU, the greenery, the unfamiliar faces, the rooms; the environment generally. I'll miss it when I graduate. Yes, still can't believe 2.5 years have passed just like that. Ya know, *snaps fingers*.
Wah, damn drama. Forgive me.
Anyway, everything needs a reason. Well, hating school too.
I think it's really because I hate myself, to start with.
Why can't I ever mix and mingle with people? You know, the casual chitchats, the smiles, the hi-byes, the natural hey-can-I-borrow-your-notes-to-copy?s.
Why do I always have to feel guilty even before I try doing such things? Why do I always have to assume that people will assume that I'm doing them with intentions?
Actually, if I ever do it, it will never be because I have intentions. Guess I'm just too tired and jaded to make new friends now.
Hate projects. Imagine being absent from the first seminar of the semester and arriving at the second one to find that you're the only one who hasn't found a group. I don't belong to any particular clique in my course, or have any good friends here for that matter. Other courses, yes. But here, no. Being a loner is a gradual tendency. When you're alone, you tend to want to be more alone. Guess it's partly a choice too. Always a huge of supporter of Aloneliness.
Asked two groups if they're willing to take me in. Waited for them to consider, up till the time when class resumed and Prof asked if I've found a group yet.
I glanced left and right, at Group A and then B. No response. Really didn't want to give them the pressure of having to take me in, so I told Prof I will settle it later. Prof even had to introduce me to the class and ask if anybody is willing to EMBRACE me.
Imagine having to ask the group 3 times whether they mind me joining their group.
GOSH, I wish I didn't have to feel so unwanted.
Then again, it's my fault. I forgot to attend the first seminar. See why I hate school because I hate myself?
Maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe the members in the group really didn't know I asked if I may join them before I asked the final time. Anyway we started doing group work together.
Really grateful to people like Crystal and some other guy in the group who bothered to say nice things to me to ease things out, to make me feel less bothered. I told myself to make sure I contribute to our work. They are nice people. They are really nice.
But the thoughts stop there. It's like taking a snapshot of the scenario of their smiley faces and their nice-ness and leaving the place with everything in the seminar room at a standstill.
I note their efforts to make me feel alright, I thank them silently, I tell myself I must make myself useful.. but everything just stops there. I simply lack the courage and energy to get to know them any deeper.
Fateless.
I walk off, and find myself typing alone in a place I know nobody.
posted by hanxiang at 1:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home